Emotional agility: How to experience our feelings without getting hijacked by them

There's one thing we can be certain of. Life will throw us curveballs, sometimes when we least expect it.

These curveballs can bring a range of challenging emotions like fear, anger, disappointment, frustration, grief and more.

So what are our choices? We know when we pretend everything is fine when it isn't, it can come back to bite us, and we also don't want to feel like we are drowning in our emotions not knowing how to move forward.

What is Emotional Agility?

Coined by psychologist Dr. Susan David, the term emotional agility describes a skill we can cultivate, where we can remain open to our feelings, even the tough ones, so rather than suppressing emotions or letting them dictate our behaviour, we notice them, name them, and respond with intention.

Why It Matters

When we lack emotional agility, we tend to either

-bottle things up until we snap,

-get stuck in loops of guilt, anxiety, or anger, or

-react impulsively instead of thinking things through

With agility, we can learn to

-navigate difficult conversations more effectively

-make healthier choices, and

-improve resilience and relationships

Is Emotional Agility the same as emotional regulation?

While they both stem from emotional intelligence, there are differences between emotional agility and emotional regulation.

• Emotional agility is using your emotions as information to help guide you instead of controlling them or changing them. It’s essentially a radical acceptance of your thoughts and feelings.

  
  

  For example, your spouse forgets to run the errands they promised, and your first instinct is to give them a firm piece of your mind. Emotional agility, however, teaches you to take a step back, assess your feelings and thoughts, and instead devise a solution that doesn’t end up in an argument.

  
  

• Emotional regulation is the ability to manage disruptive emotions and impulses, learning how to control your emotions, in the moment.

  
  

  Going back to the example, you might regulate the emotion by distracting yourself by taking a walk, taking some deep breaths, or moving to another space and sitting down for a few moments. Then you have more chance to use your agility.

Dr David talks about the 'four C's' of emotional agility, principles or key capacities which can be seen as foundational human skills that can help us navigate the complexity of life and learn to stay with difficult emotions, and respond to situations rather than react to them.

Compassion: 

Acknowledging and accepting ourself, with grace and love and kindness rather than judgment. Being kind to ourselves.

Courage:

It takes courage to experience our tough emotions especially when it's difficult, and courage to stand up for what we believe in and it takes courage to move through challenging experiences. And remember that sometimes courage is as quiet as a whisper.

Curiosity:

Approaching our thoughts and feelings with a sense of openness, seeking to understand them rather than ignoring or battling them. Curiosity expands our capacity and helps us answer the question, 'what are my emotions signposting that I need to look further into?'

Centredness:

When the world is out of our control we can remind ourselves of our grounding, our inner knowing that although we might be going through great difficulty we will come back to ourselves and our core values, which provides a guiding force for making choices and taking action that will support us. 

Three practical ideas to try today:

1. Name it to tame it.

Instead of saying “I’m stressed,” try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed because I have three things all competing for my time this afternoon. I have too much on my plate.” Being specific gives your brain clarity and space to act.

2. Accept, don’t avoid.

Discomfort is part of life. Rather than numbing with distractions, try sitting with the feeling for a few minutes—then ask, “What’s this emotion trying to tell me?”

3. Choose your response.

You can feel anger and still respond calmly. You can feel sad and still take action. Emotional agility reminds us that emotions are real—but they don’t define who we are.

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As human beings we are made to feel emotions, all of them. Some are not comfortable, but they can be helpful. Emotional agility is about staying flexible, staying kind to ourselves, and staying present. It’s one of the quietest but most powerful tools we can cultivate for positive mental health.

As we build our emotional agility, we can learn that rather than suppressing emotions or letting them dictate our behaviour, we can learn to notice them, name them, and respond with intention.

Until next time,

The PLS team